Posts Tagged ‘Mother’

A Parents Job


“A parents job, from the time a child is born is not to screw it up.”

Don’t shame, or guilt them. They are who they are at birth. They have a personality, including flaws – just like you. Don’t try to beat it out of them, just teach them how to deal with the discovery of who they are. I mean whats the one thing we are constantly buying self-improvement books for? How to deal with who we are. Usually done by trying to change, affirm, muscle build, diet, recover our way out of our own shame and guilt and lack. The stuff we usually try to blame on our parents.

I mean my mother won’t get any awards and because of that I’m a better mother. There you go, but I still did and do stuff that is genetic. My dad always talked about when he would be dead, and his grandfathers death and the do and don’ts of death. I never thought much of it as a ‘thing’ to bring up with the therapist. I just noticed in fact that I do it too – and that it scares my sons, all this prep for death stuff. I realize now I never liked it, ever. I worshipped my dad so I didn’t think that was a ‘bad’ thing (that tendency to black and white the world makes the in-between hard to distinguish). So, I told my sons I was sorry, and about their grandfather and decided to stop. They feel better, I feel better – and though it is now probably part of something deeper inside of them and I probably screwed up there, they are also men of their own, dealing with their own shit, of my making, their making, life’s making and they have to stumble through like the rest of us.

All I could do in the early years to make that easier was and is to love them unconditionally for whoever they were. I watched layers of personality develop and just tried to steer them into being able to deal with all of their emotions – without telling them not to have them, or to have different ones. They didn’t need to be fixed; they were perfect already.  I guess most of us don’t get that about ourselves, hence the big search.

And the other thing, “get off your ass and get involved”. Not in soccer practice, but stop shouting across the house, or living room or whatever instead of stopping what you are doing which in my generation usually meant in front of the TV or cooking, yours is probably in front of a computer or that extension glued to your hand, and GO talk to them. They need you, lots and lots of you and your face – and that means your face exercising a little bit of self-control – you know that stuff you are trying to teach them!

Okay, done with kid lecture. You’re a kid too, you know. You never really grew up Peter Pan or Arrietty. You’re loved, somehow, somewhere we aren’t alone and we are loved.


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