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Archive for July, 2012

Sometimes, or lately personal circumstances with health and personal relationships are unexpectedly bleak. It feels like I’ve taken figurative punches or rugs have been pulled out from beneath me and then there is blankness my mind goes to: a black, literally black and empty void- it’s muffled and has a vertigo feeling to it.   Literally panic sets in when I can’t escape life, it’s past, it’s present, it’s uncertain future. I can feel my chest well with fear; that cavernous hole paved up with large stones, going deep down in to the ground, once it finds water there is only one thing that can happen to that pressure, it rises in the contained space. It is not yet the cleansing water that frees the soul, it’s heaviness rocks around in the open spaces near your heart closing them and making it hard to breathe.

I’m panicked – with no outlet, and I recognize this fear –and it’s come back — the sequel horror movie with the evil monster slashing and cutting and killing everything around you, but not you, not yet.  It terrorizes the mind, the psyche — and there is absolutely no way to out run it, you have to out maneuver it.  Running is doing, running mentally does nothing except postpone feeling – maybe giving yourself time: the mind time to ameliorate some of the intenseness.  I don’t know, pain is pain. There is a tendency to do something stupid like get a dog, buy clothes, get a new haircut anything to distract from hurting, from the powerlessness life sometimes holds. Go, do, be something, someone else. Unfortunately you can’t out flee trauma or grief or pain. You can only wait for it to subside. You live with it. I wish I knew a way out. Now I know what it means when the say demons live within you.

Yesterday I went to a non- denominational church –  ‘born-again’ as some would call it. I’ve always held this judgmental belief people join these things when they run out of options for dealing with something their mind cannot, when we don’t have back-up in real life; where else is there to turn except the superstitions of a God, the structure of rules, and the comfort of fellowship with one belief. But I have to question, is it “the force be with you,” or an individual, personal God, or neurons that fire off to help you in your time of need. I know for me I never feel closer to a God than when all hell is breaking loose. But when things are going well, it’s easy to forget that old relationship. I feel guilty then for abandoning the one thing that gives peace. I think God loves you no matter what. I don’t see anger as a God emotion, in fact I think God is fairly emotionless.  Some like to think so. The non-dualistic thinkers: “Think all positive and that is what God is.”

But relying on oneself for a Positive God is kind of like trusting an inside straight – it works only sometimes and it’s always a gamble. I don’t think they have it right either. But then again, no one has it right — especially the ones that think they do!! I think that’s what Jesus means when he says those the think they will be first will be last and vice-versa in Matthew19:30 – just learned where that was in the bible so don’t go thinkin’ I can quote scripture. I can’t. One passage is a very small step. But it is a step, one I’m not sure of which direction I’m going. Kind of feel like the Fool depicted on the first card of a Tarot deck; blithely going about, dog nipping at his heals, a knapsack on a stick, about ready to walk off a cliff.

I guess the point of this whole thing today comes back to the question that continues to be asked: Am I believing in God because I need to or because ‘he’s” really there. Reaching for comfort is not a bad thing. I don’t think that God hold’s grudges, or thinks we are innately evil or sinful, I think we are loved in a way we cannot truly comprehend by something bigger than ourselves.

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